Another beautiful piece from toughtcatalog.com 🙂
Is it possible for someone to lost their own self? Because I think I just did. I lost me. I lost the “me” that I used to know. I don’t feel like my own self. I messed things up. My life is such a mess now, let alone my room or my college tasks. I keep doing things I don’t usually do. I continuously doing stupid things in the last few weeks. I messed up my college life. I keep making mistakes in the lab. I keep on coming to the class almost before the class started or even being late while I have almost never been late in years of high school. I keep making mistakes in my homeworks. I stay up till midnight without knowing why. I got all mellow and miserable in the mornings and the nights. I used to read a lot no matter how many homeworks I had or whatever exam is coming, but I haven’t read anything for months. I don’t know what else to say but now I feel like I am one of the stupidest person alive. At least one of the stupidest (and laziest) person in my class. I don’t even know why am I writing this and what is it I am writing exactly. I just feel like I need to get this out.
And I do know how pathetic I am right now, so please just ignore this.
Being lied to does not only destroy trusts.
Being lied to is being thrown off from a cliff.
Being lied to is having you stabbed me.
Being lied to shows I believed in you far too much.
Being lied to shows I do not even worth the truth.
Being lied to shows I am not that important for you.
There is always that time of life when something happen to you and you tell yourself that everything is going to be just fine and you foolishly believe in yourself. Everyone tell you that everything is going to be fine and you believe them.
Time is moving forward, so does everything else. You move forward too. You keep talking, joking, smiling, laughing, socializing, doing your tasks, functioning. Everything seems to be fine. In fact, everything is fine except one thing. You. Your feeling. The inside of you. Maybe I should not say your heart because actually your heart is fine too, it keeps beating normally like it always does. Yes, you know you are absolutely not fine no matter how happy you seemed to be to other people.
You know you are not fine no matter how good you are doing on your works. You know you are not fine, because you are counting on the seconds, trying to make sure that you’ll still look fine in the next second. You are counting on the minutes, trying to make sure that whatever feelings you are hiding are not going to bursts out in the next minute. You are counting the days, trying to embrace all the good and bad news coming to you without really being able to give a feeling to response. You keep talking to yourself inside your head, trying to make sure you’re not going to explode any time soon.
However, you know that you will get better. You just have to wait for the time to come. You just need to hold on and keep moving at the same time.