Category Archives: Thoughts

Make The New Year A Better One

In the last couple of years, I have read numerous articles and blog post titled something around the line of “XX things I wish people told me when I was in college” or “Several things I wish I knew when I was 20,” etc. Most of them have pretty similar content. They all wish to know about how certain act or decision that they make at those time would affect their life years afterward or how certain like their looks, their weight does not matter, that life’s hard and it’s okay to have a problem. The thing is I think it is quite bullshit to say that on those years of their youth there is not single one person who actually come up to them and say “Hey, really, everything is okay,” or “Yes you made a mistake, now forgive yourself and move on,” or “Get out of here, travel and explore the world as far as you can but never forget those you left behind.”

Come on, let’s talk reality! We heard them before. People (probably family, friends, teacher) told us about those things. Problem is we just did not want believe it. Or we probably did, but we chose to forget them, we just did not really consider those things when we made out decision. I heard those things before. I knew about them last year or the year before that and I made a mistake when I dismissed them on most of my decision making process.

Now, I know we can’t change our past, but the future is exactly what we can build and shape. I am not saying that the future is one hundred percent up to us, but we all have a major role in it. The next small decision we make might define our life in the next 10 years. To ensure that they’ll be a good one, let’s just remember all the things that we know or we have known once, remember all the things people have told us all these years, and choose to believe in them. Choose to remember them and make them our consideration in making the next thousands of decisions. Let’s ensure that by the end of next year or the years after that, we won’t regret a thing. Let’s ensure that none of this year’s mistakes, regret and disappointment would ever repeat itself.

Happy New Year, everybody! Let’s not just wish but ensure it to be a good one ourself. Make it better than any we have had.

Between The Idea of Free Will and Doubt

The era in which we live in right now, free will seems to be a fundamental idea on almost every discussion, debate or decision making process. It probably started in all of those so-called liberal countries. Or maybe not. Maybe it was an idea buried in every mind that was awaken, broaden and made stronger when we hear someone else talk about it.

The way I see it, the notion of free will have a lot to do with what we call as doubt. Doubt (verb ˈdat) is defined by Merriam-Webster Online as “to be uncertain about (something); to believe that (something) may not be true or is unlikely; or to have no confidence in (someone or something).”

I think that in one way, it was awaken by the abundance of doubt we have in other people, in the system in which we live in, in destiny, in religion, in God or whatever else was supposed to take over our choices. Or rather, it might have been awaken by the lack of these doubt when it comes to our own relative thoughts, our individual concept of belief, or of our very own personal choices. I do have a tendency to think that it was more the earlier, or at least that is the way it is for me. The reason being even in most of the times I use my own free will on a decision making, I still have this fear inside of me that keep asking myself if I have made the right choice, if my judgement was not clouded, if it was after all the best possible outcome of the situation. This fear however, is usually less significant compared to the doubt I felt towards the system or destiny or other people’s interest on my choice. Or else I would not think it too hard before deciding something.

The thing is, I sometimes feel that the believe we have in this notion of free will is absolutely exhausting. Sometimes I have this envious feeling to  see people around me who have the faith in destiny, in the way everything is arranged for a reason. I envy their faith in how their effort is the thing that mattered more than the result because it was supposed to be chosen for the best when they have done their best. Without this belief sometimes I wonder how we are managing to live with ourselves in the face of failure to think of it as an after effect of one past decision or another. 

But the problem of the doubt does not seem to stop there with me. Somehow my mind has managed to turn the whole thing around and confront the idea of doubt and free will directly. Now I ask myself, “What if this idea of free will is just an illusion?” What if there is destiny after all, and all this time we just think that we are making the decision while all along, they have been made for us long before the problem actually come up? 

Either way, I know that I still need to keep trying to make the best decision if I want the best result there is. But I do hope that these efforts will actually be enough.

Paling tidak..

Mereka selalu berkata bahwa semua ada waktunya. Mereka berkata bahwa semua ada akhirnya. Namun siapa yang sebenarnya menentukan waktunya? Siapa yang menentukan akhirnya? Tak bolehkah aku turut andil menentukannya? Tak bolehkah aku menyarankan agar semua ini tidak berakhir disini?

Ah, tenanglah, aku tahu semua memang telah tiba di ujung jalan. Aku tak suka mengakuinya, tapi memang aku juga turut andil memilih jalan kita dulu. Tentu salahku juga jika ternyata jalan yang kita pilih harus berakhir di sudut buntu.

Yah, paling tidak jalan ini tidak berakhir di sudut kota yang pengap dan menyesakkan. Paling tidak sudut buntu ini cukup nyaman untukku menetap. Paling tidak sudut ini tak lantas melenyapkanmu dari duniaku. Aku berterima kasih untuk itu.

Hold On And Keep Moving At The Same Time

There is always that time of life when something happen to you and you tell yourself that everything is going to be just fine and you foolishly believe in yourself. Everyone tell you that everything is going to be fine and you believe them.

Time is moving forward, so does everything else. You move forward too. You keep talking, joking, smiling, laughing, socializing, doing your tasks, functioning. Everything seems to be fine. In fact, everything is fine except one thing. You. Your feeling. The inside of you. Maybe I should not say your heart because actually your heart is fine too, it keeps beating normally like it always does. Yes, you know you are absolutely not fine no matter how happy you seemed to be to other people.

You know you are not fine no matter how good you are doing on your works. You know you are not fine, because you are counting on the seconds, trying to make sure that you’ll still look fine in the next second. You are counting on the minutes, trying to make sure that whatever feelings you are hiding are not going to bursts out in the next minute. You are counting the days, trying to embrace all the good and bad news coming to you without really being able to give a feeling to response. You keep talking to yourself inside your head, trying to make sure you’re not going to explode any time soon.

However, you know that you will get better. You just have to wait for the time to come. You just need to hold on and keep moving at the same time.

The End of A Relationship

The words

I left him.

He left me.

I got dumped.

I dumped him.

We broke up.

or even

We decided that we’re better off as friend (oh, seriously?).

all mean the same thing, don’t they? They just mean that your relationship with your boy/girlfriend is over; that it has been broken in one way or another; that the two, or most likely, (only) one of you got tired or maybe just bored of the other one; that one side just can’t take the relationship any further and decided to end it with whatever reasons.

Isn’t it funny how you could never start a relationship with only one person willing to take part in the relationship, but you could end it with only one person going away from the other one. Well, some people would say that one person could try to hold it back together or not letting the one one go anywhere, trying to keep the other side from slipping away, but we all know that the truth is, when one has decided to end the relationship, when one has decided to leave the relationship behind, the relationship is finished. (S)he has slipped away from your hand. Because when there is only one person in a relationship trying to keep everything in its way, while the other one is trying to get away, it is not really a boyfriend-girlfriend-kind-of-relationship anymore. It might still be a relationship, but rather it might be a someone-and-his/her-admirer-kind of-relationship, and both person in the relationship already know how it would end.

One could say whatever reasons to end a relationship, but for most of the times, it only sounded like “I just want this relationship to end” to the one who’s listening. And when you are that someone who’s listening, whether you decide to say “No way” or maybe “Okay,” deep inside, you know that everything is over.

A Piece of Old Song

Because sometimes, there’s nothing better than the lyrics of beautiful old song…

From Loving You

From that first look I knew
I found heaven in your eyes
But who was to know, the way it would go
I have no regrets
Glad I let you in
Wouldn’t have missed one single moment
I would do it all over again

‘Cause I was loved
I was touched
And I learned what love is, and I learned what love is
I was blessed
So blessed
‘Cause I learned what love is, I learned what love is
From loving you

– Mandy Moore

Enjoying The Loneliness

All this time I have been someone who always give my sister the kind of what-the-hell-were-you-doing whenever she told me that she went out to eat or to shop at a mall or to watch a movie by herself. I have always been the one who think about how other people would look at me and think that girl looks like she could use some of my pities for sitting there by herself. I have always been the one who would rather cook a bowl of instant noodles rather than go out to a restaurant or cafe all by myself to just eat something. I have always been the one who feels uncomfortable whenever I need to wait for someone by myself, standing on the side of the road or sitting awkwardly in front of some buildings. I hate being alone. Being by myself. That doesn’t mean I always have someone to accompany me, though. Sometimes I don’t have anyone to stand by my side and knows that it can’t be helped, but I just didn’t want to be seen on those lonely moments. I’d stay at home although there’s no one there, either. Always thought that being by myself when I’m surrounded by a crowd of people chatting and laughing is much more miserable that being my myself at home.

Today is different. I am right now sitting by myself, in the corner of my favorite cafe, blog-walking, reading people’s thoughts, smiling, laughing, wiping tears (wait, am I?). Have been here for hours, looking at people coming and leaving the cafe one by one, not wanting to leave, swearing at my self for forgetting my mac charger at home. Well, I still have another half an hour before this mac goes off for not having any battery left, though. And I guess I won’t leave the place until then. I don’t know why. Now I think my room would be an even more miserable place to be than this cafe. I guess there has been too many changes taken place in the last few weeks that it started to change me, too. I guess now I just don’t care what other people think I looks like sitting here by myself for hours. Probably they would just enjoy themselves and won’t even realize my existence in this corner. Now that I think about it, they won’t even care, then why should I? I do enjoy the loneliness, and that’s all that matters.

Another Poem

I was scrolling down my tumblr timeline when I stumbled upon Kyu Jong’s 2nd letter for his fans from the army. It is full of beautiful words as always and at the end of the letter he put a poem that I found to be lovely and encouraging at the same time. Here it is 🙂

Credits : + (English Translation) xiaochu @ &

There Is No Such Road

No matter how hard the road may be
Before me,
Someone have walked past this road,
No matter how steep the road may be
Before me,
Someone has gotten through this road.
There is no such road that
No one has ever walked before.
Hope that my dark period of time
Will be helpful to
All the dear people
Who are having a similar journey.

-Pedro poem-

p.s. : I’m not exactly sure about the original source of the poem. Kyu wrote “-Pedro poem-” at the end of it so I think Pedro might have been the name of the poet.