I’ve heard lots of people say: “Our job is to try, then just let God decides.” The way I see it, it’s more like: “Our job is to do our best, then God will see if it’s actually good enough.” Or rather our lecturers or bosses will.
One of the most terrible feeling in the world is probably when you lose the faith on yourself. It really is quite normal when you lose faith on someone else, on an idea, on an knowledge. But losing faith in yourself is like losing faith in everything in the world. When you lose faith in yourself, you don’t even believe your instincts, you don’t have the confidence in what you are doing, you have no certainty on how you are supposed to walk on the earth any further. It is not only walking without knowing where you are going, but more like walking while you are not sure whether you are supposed to be walking at all.
When you lose faith on someone, there is big probability that someone is going to either convince you otherwise or tell you that yes, he was not someone you believed him to be. When you lose your faith in an idea, you automatically turn into another idea, into something contradictory. When you lose faith in yourself, who are you turning to? Will there be anyone who would try to convince you otherwise? Or well, would people even know at all? Would people even realize it? Would you?
Mereka selalu berkata bahwa semua ada waktunya. Mereka berkata bahwa semua ada akhirnya. Namun siapa yang sebenarnya menentukan waktunya? Siapa yang menentukan akhirnya? Tak bolehkah aku turut andil menentukannya? Tak bolehkah aku menyarankan agar semua ini tidak berakhir disini?
Ah, tenanglah, aku tahu semua memang telah tiba di ujung jalan. Aku tak suka mengakuinya, tapi memang aku juga turut andil memilih jalan kita dulu. Tentu salahku juga jika ternyata jalan yang kita pilih harus berakhir di sudut buntu.
Yah, paling tidak jalan ini tidak berakhir di sudut kota yang pengap dan menyesakkan. Paling tidak sudut buntu ini cukup nyaman untukku menetap. Paling tidak sudut ini tak lantas melenyapkanmu dari duniaku. Aku berterima kasih untuk itu.
Kau ingat aku?
Mungkin memang tak seharusnya ku merasa begitu
Tapi bukankah masih sewajarnya muncul rasa itu?
Aku tak apa bila kau dan mereka tahu
Tak apa pula meski kau tak rindu aku
All this time I have been someone who always give my sister the kind of what-the-hell-were-you-doing whenever she told me that she went out to eat or to shop at a mall or to watch a movie by herself. I have always been the one who think about how other people would look at me and think that girl looks like she could use some of my pities for sitting there by herself. I have always been the one who would rather cook a bowl of instant noodles rather than go out to a restaurant or cafe all by myself to just eat something. I have always been the one who feels uncomfortable whenever I need to wait for someone by myself, standing on the side of the road or sitting awkwardly in front of some buildings. I hate being alone. Being by myself. That doesn’t mean I always have someone to accompany me, though. Sometimes I don’t have anyone to stand by my side and knows that it can’t be helped, but I just didn’t want to be seen on those lonely moments. I’d stay at home although there’s no one there, either. Always thought that being by myself when I’m surrounded by a crowd of people chatting and laughing is much more miserable that being my myself at home.
Today is different. I am right now sitting by myself, in the corner of my favorite cafe, blog-walking, reading people’s thoughts, smiling, laughing, wiping tears (wait, am I?). Have been here for hours, looking at people coming and leaving the cafe one by one, not wanting to leave, swearing at my self for forgetting my mac charger at home. Well, I still have another half an hour before this mac goes off for not having any battery left, though. And I guess I won’t leave the place until then. I don’t know why. Now I think my room would be an even more miserable place to be than this cafe. I guess there has been too many changes taken place in the last few weeks that it started to change me, too. I guess now I just don’t care what other people think I looks like sitting here by myself for hours. Probably they would just enjoy themselves and won’t even realize my existence in this corner. Now that I think about it, they won’t even care, then why should I? I do enjoy the loneliness, and that’s all that matters.
I was scrolling down my tumblr timeline when I stumbled upon Kyu Jong’s 2nd letter for his fans from the army. It is full of beautiful words as always and at the end of the letter he put a poem that I found to be lovely and encouraging at the same time. Here it is 🙂
Credits : kyu-jong.com + (English Translation) xiaochu @ Quainte501.com & sgnoonas.wordpress.com
There Is No Such Road
No matter how hard the road may be
Someone have walked past this road,
No matter how steep the road may be
Someone has gotten through this road.
There is no such road that
No one has ever walked before.
Hope that my dark period of time
Will be helpful to
All the dear people
Who are having a similar journey.
p.s. : I’m not exactly sure about the original source of the poem. Kyu wrote “-Pedro poem-” at the end of it so I think Pedro might have been the name of the poet.